Hey friends! A very happy new year to y’all! It’s been a busy last few months and I’m happy to get back into the swing of life in 2019. I’ve been sitting with today’s post for quite some time now. I’ve written, edited, added, deleted, over shared and prayed about these thoughts for months. But for the sake of a new year of possibilities and growth, today on LtL I want to openly share my fears in parenting, being enough and struggles with infertility. Ya know #newyearnewme …or something like that. 😉 Today’s post is long, personal and therapeutic, so please proceed with time on your hands and an open heart.
A little history
If you’ve been following LtL for a while now you may remember this post where I share my struggles and journey with infertility. Geoff and I have been trying to grow our family of three for a little over 3 years now. Some of that journey has been with the help of infertility specialists, hormone injections, and other remedies I’ll share in more detail in a later post. We’ve cycled in and out of the help of infertility professionals and allowing God’s timing to play out, but the desire and hope to bring another precious baby into our lives still remains.
That’s not to say that I’m not content with the life and family I have now. I am very thankful for the family I have and content in knowing we may be a family of three indefinitely. I am more than happy with the family God has placed in my life. Geoff is a God-send in so many ways that God continues to reveal to me each year we’re together. And Brooks, well he’s my mini-me, best friend, blessing I’m not sure how I got so lucky to be born into motherhood with. Being content with what we have and desiring more can feel really confusing at times. But I’m a firm believer that having two seemingly contradicting feelings simultaneously does not negate the feelings themselves. I can have both contentment and desire at the same time, as long as I am honest with myself the root of those feelings and their genuine existence. This is always a work in progress…
And just to confuse matters more, there are moments where I have both the desire to have more children and the fear of that possibility actually coming true. I’ve experienced the loss of child on multiple occasions which has given me the perspective of appreciation in the absolute miracle of having a child. However, with that all comes the complex layering of the fears I compartmentalize regularly. I fear the inevitable change in having more children, I fear the possibility of another loss, I fear not being enough and the capability to give to another precious life. It’s a lot of fear…I know. And saying it out loud makes me realize just how much I’ve compartmentalized it all. *it’s exhausting 😉
This is probably one of the more vulnerable posts I’ve shared for the simple fact that these are my raw, unedited emotions. But I’ve been sitting with these thoughts in my head for longer than I think I’d like to admit. I love sharing all the adventures we have, products I love and business ventures I pursue, but from time to time I also love sharing a true transparent part of my life with y’all too. It helps me stay real with my readers and remind y’all there’s an actual person behind the blog with struggles and fears too. (Hey, it’s me)💁🏼
While life has been wonderful and full of many blessings over the last few years, it’s also been challenging in ways I haven’t experienced. This may not come to a shock to most of you, but trying to balance being the ‘best’ mom, wife, friend, daughter, entrepreneur I can be, can be, well, near impossible. And by ‘best’ I don’t even mean doing it all right. I just mean trying to meet my own expectations, and I seem to set those standards so high I stress about not meeting them. I try to give myself grace and adjust my expectations to just being authentic and present, but even then I think I could’ve done better.
But the one that scares me the most is the failure of being a good mom. The mom Brooks deserves. The mom God has called me to be. There are times I lose my patience, I get angry, I’m not present and I prioritize my own needs over his and I think…if I can’t even keep up with the needs of one child, maybe I’m not meant to have another. Maybe, even, I’m not deserving of another one. And this lie, it’s the one that breaks my heart the most.
As tears roll down my face, I know with all my heart that is not my ultimate truth. I know that Satan spills lies into our hearts to hold us back from our purpose(s). And while I may not be destined to be a mom of two, I am deserving of being one. Allowing my fears to navigate my story and not lean more into His truths is my failure right now. Not in the daily check lists, losing my temper, or missing a deadline, but allowing fear to dictate my future.
I’m sharing this with you today for the sake of true transparency and simple reminder that even with our fears and struggles there is always something more powerful and positive to focus on. No season is forever. That is a promise. For me, I’m moving forward with pursuing infertility specialists and whatever God has in store for our lives and family. I’m taking the weight of these lies off my plate and opening up this part of my life for others to read and openly share as well. I’m even considering sharing my fertility story more as we dive deeper into the process over this coming year.
Moving forward in 2019
This year a few of my personal goals are to put myself back into the hands of our infertility doctors knowing we may not end up with the results we’ve prayed for. To find a blend of eastern and western medicine with the help of acupuncture and chiropractic care to aid in some of my aches and pains. And to find a therapist to help me navigate through this life a little better. (Side note: BIG fan of therapy. I’ve had the help of counseling off and on since high school and wouldn’t be where I am without their guidance and tools) If you, or someone you know if struggling with lies that keep you from your heart’s desires, please know you are not alone and you will get through this season. I’m always here for support or to chat.
As always, thank you so much for reading and following along. Your friendships and support really mean so much to me.
Lemons to Love,
In everything give thanks to all circumstances, for this is God’s will in Jesus Christ.