Welp. Y’all. It happened. It appears as though when I opened up about my infertility struggles in my last post, I also opened up Pandoras box – also known as a small window into my heart. I honestly didn’t realize that I had been trying so hard to keep it shut for all this time that even opening it a few inches pushed forth the flood gates that were quietly stirring, waiting for their chance to be set free. After all, even the sad, angry, and fearful feelings need their time to air out too, (apparently). But sometimes it just feels good, and maybe a tad easier, to put a bandaid over them and walk away until a new bandaid is needed. Sometimes it plain sucks to feel all those feelings I’ve pushed inside that window and covered with happy bandaids to deal with at another point in time. You know the ol’ “I’ll deal with that when I’m ready” adage?
So one day last week, a small window in my heart burst open unexpectedly and all those feelings I’d tucked away for a ‘day when I was ready’ came flooding out. It definitely wasn’t my timing, I could’ve kept pushing on, but God knew it was time I deal with what was hurting and start the process of letting go the control. Those few days were some of the saddest I’d felt in a while, honestly. It hurt to feel them. I wanted so badly to shove them deep down back in their place, but God had a different plan.
And then, Sunday happened. You see, Geoff and I have been praying for a church home for almost 6 years now. We searched for nearly a year during our time in WA, but found our spiritual refuge in our hikes and family adventures on the weekends. All the while having faith that God would give us what we needed, when we needed it. We’ve found a church home here in middle TN at Brentwood United Methodist and even became members this past Sunday! It was a very special moment for our family, to stand in front of our new church and profess our love and commitment, but the even sweeter moment came with Brooks.
For the last 5 weeks we’ve been attending BUMC we always take Brooks to the nursery before service. And every morning he cries his little eyes out as we hand him over to trusting arms. But with each new Sunday came less crying and more confidence from our B. Each Sunday he would make it just a little further down the hall, closer to the room before his fear kicked in and he remembered we’d be dropping him off. This last Sunday, however, was different. He made it all the way down the hall, to the room, turned and said ‘kiss Daddy’ and went in with no tears. When Geoff told me that I about burst.
At that moment, it hit me. B’s transformation from screaming crying to gentle kisses and a wave good-bye was a direct reflection of this walk I’m on with God. His ability to recognize that he was taken care of and could trust what lie ahead reminded me so much of our walk with Jesus. Getting there was not without tears. Getting there was not without a struggle to control his own fate of staying with his Mommy and Daddy, but getting there taught him he could trust in knowing we’d always be there when the time was right. How sweet and confident of our little B to know what trust feels like – almost as if it were ingrained in us from birth.
Much like Brooks, I held on tightly to my feelings in fear of letting go that I might fall apart somehow. That somehow opening that window into my heart might leave me vulnerable to the unknown. But, dear friends, I’ve realized…that is exactly where God wants me; right in the thick of vulnerable. Left wide open so He can work wonders with my life and my heart.
I pray you find this same place with me and allow God to work wonders in your life, too. Thank you so much for reading and sharing in this journey with me.
Lemons to Love,